I Can Still Remember

Last night I had a dream. . .

I almost always dream about Jeff nowadays.

It's not very surprising.

There's only seven months to go before he's right in front of me.

My subconscious must linger on his memories more than usual,

Which is saying something.

In my dream he wasn't the little 19 year old boy I used to know.

He was older looking.

A man.

He looked like how he does in the pictures he sends me.

This dream wasn't very long, but it was a piece of Heaven.

It was his laugh.

I've missed it so much.

I haven't heard it in two years.

I heard it in my dream last night.

We were sitting on my couch just talking and laughing.

Probably flirting, but it wasn't long enough to tell.

He busted up laughing.

We laughed together.

Then I woke up,

Clenching his jacket.

Notice: Because I Have

I've noticed something happening to me lately.

I miss Jeff terribly,

but I don't feel the need to wallow.

Ha ha ha!

When Jeff first left I cried for a couple of days.

Not lies on this blog.

It turned to nights, I just missed him and love him a lot. I looked forward to the year mark when I could be stronger.

I admired the girl I saw in my head.

Once it turned to Thanksgiving the sadness eased a little and I only found myself having random hits of the two year blues. Only succumbing to bouts of sadness after a reminder of particularly memorable Jeff moment.

Now. . .

I am seven months away from the moment I've been looking to for two years.

Jeff will be in my little known town in Utah again.

Seven months.

I get to missing him and right as the tears come I can say,

Seven months.

I've already been here for seventeen months.

The girl I admired in my head the days after Elder Gibson left is supposed to be me now.

Wait. . .

You mean he's actually coming home someday?

I've gotten so used to waiting for him, it's so weird that this isn't going to last forever.

In fact it'll end in,

Seven months.

I Like to Write Poetry

I used to write poetry all the time.

Especially in high school.

I found this on my computer.

It was written about two months before Elder Jeff Gibson left for his mission.

It was later revised this last April.

Run Around in my Head

I could write a million words

Sonnets

Satire

A love poem for you

It sounds so cliché

When I speak of you

How you

Run around and around in my head

You run around and around in my head

Run around in my head

Every little glimpse of your face I get

As you run your pace

                                                            Pace

Run your pace

Around in my head

My head

Run around in my head

The memories of you

I hold on to

                                                            To

I hold on to you

I cup my hands around your imprint

                                                            Your imprint

Cupping my hands around your imprint

On my cracking heart

                                                            Cracking heart

Take good care of my heart

Because I pushed you away for so very long

Now when I came to let you in

                                                            I let you in

I finally let you in

I must let you go

                                                            Let you go

You must go.

-- Nikki Nebeker

December  17, 2009

Revised April 4, 2011

Happy Birthday to me! Again!

I got the card! Ha ha!

I knew Elder Gibson wouldn't forget my birthday,

But I had absolutely no doubt that the card, letter, or whatever it was that he would send for my birthday 

would be late.

Probably really, really late.

I don't care!

For your birthday, you're getting a very special cake. The problem is there aren't enough candles. . .

Someone needs to teach me Spanish. . .

. . . to stand for all the special wishes coming your way HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 

 

 Of course with the Elder Gibson sign off and coin. ;)

I have to admit when I looked in the letter I was a little disappointed. Not even a "happy birthday" was written inside. 

I even checked to envelope to see if I missed something.

Then, as I was about to put it down I turned it over and this was written all over the back.

It was his handwritting.

It was hard to read.

It was super sweet.

Yay!

Hey there, you! - Oh my goodness! You are growing up SO fast! ;) You, señorita, have 20 years. . . I mean you're 20 years old. . . darn Spanish. . . JK, LOL ;) I LOVE it! ;P

Oh my goodness! I can't believe that you're 20! I'm sure that YOU can't believe that you're 20. Sorry that this card is going to get to you way late. . . I didn't forget! Promise! I just got really busy and behind on everyone's birthdays. . . :/ Not just yours. . . everyone's going to hate me! D: JK. . . Well at least I hope not. . . ;) So I hope you're doing just awesome! In your work, in your family, in the pageant, in church, in. . . EVERYTHING! Oh, a billion ¡FELICIDADES! for being in the Miss Utah Pageant! w00t! Sorry that is probably really hard to read. . . I hope that you had an amazingly awesome B-day up there in Utah!

Tu amigo y fan numero uno!

Elder Gibson

¡Viva México!

It's time to post

You see, I've noticed something since I started this blog.

I put off posting if something huge happens.

I don't know if I just don't want to face the emotion or what. . .

This post is about my Grandpa Nebeker.

Grandpa Nebeker passed away on June 5, 2011.

How lucky am I to know what I know!

My grandpa is with my grandma again.

Whenever I think of this reunion years in the making it makes me teary.

I'm going to see my grandpa again.

I'm going to hug my grandpa again.

I'm going to talk and talk with my grandpa again.

I love my grandpa.

My grandpa as I knew him:

Kind

Selfless

Humble

Loving

Proud of his grandkids and great grandkids

He helped me get through my first and second semester of college.

He was always proud of me.

I miss him.

I'll see him again.

I remember having little conversations with him after work or class.

It was always about how I was doing and how he could help me out.

My grandma would usually get brought up,

how pretty she was,

how proud of her he was.

That reunion must've been beautiful.

Today is my Birthday!

Actually it was my birthday thirty minutes ago, but I don't want it to end.

It was amazing.

First I woke up with nothing to do but relax around the house,

then I went to work with a good hair day.

Around four-thirty a man with flowers came into my work, handed me the flowers, made me sign on a dotted line, and then sang me Happy Birthday.

The flowers were from my amazing parents. :)

I have this passion for flowers. Delicate and soft and they just smell so dang good.
These ones smelled terrific and are gorgeous. I took a lot of pictures to remember them.
Plus, some are different flowers that I don't know the names of yet.
I love that!
After seeing these beautiful flowers one of my coworkers sang to me Happy Birthday while the other one did a funny dance.

My manager didn't let me take the flowers to the break room so people who came in could wish me a happy birthday.

Then the manager taking over the evening shift bugged the main manager about making me work on my birthday.

Around five o'clock the main manager went home and the manager taking over sent me home early.

I took my time coming home, going the long way and enjoying the warm day.

When I got home my parents took me to Olive Garden, my all time FAVORITE place to eat.

After that I went swimming with my best friend Chase.

It was probably one of the best birthdays I've had, so relaxing. I did miss Jeff a little. . . But I got over it.

He'll be here next year after all. ;)

Bump in the Road

I faced something I never thought I would face.

Mostly because I took the advice of my church leaders and parents and made certain very important decisions before the situation arose.

I understood and told myself since I was in primary at age eight that I would marry my husband in the temple.

I promised that I would get baptized at age eight years before, when I was about five.

But this was about modesty.

I went dress shopping for my pageant with my mom yesterday.

Dress shopping. . . Every LDS girl knows how I feel.

It's SO hard to find a modest dress that both fits and looks beautiful.

We did find two that I absolutely loved but. . .

They were sleeveless and backless.

I looked at myself in the mirror at the beautiful gown trying desperately to think of a way to alter it.

Problem was they were both hard to alter and the problem with altering is getting the material exactly right.

I felt myself then. . . Start to justify.

Things went through my head like:

It's just for one day.

It's just for the pageant.

All the other girls will think you're pretty.

All the other girls would wear it,

What would it matter if you slipped this one time? It won't change who you are.

Then. . .

This quiet voice came into my head and it said, "who are you?"

I am a daughter of God.

I promised at baptism to keep the commandments

and one of those is to dress my body in a respectful and modest manner.

It might sound weird to someone not of my faith, but it's important to me to not budge.

I had made the decision when I was twelve to be modest, no matter what the world thought about me.

But it was hard!

The straight and narrow isn't a smooth and paved road.

It's rocky with pot holes.

But it also has a protector and a friend.

I prayed in that dressing room for help and received it.

Luckily it was only my first day looking for dresses so I was able to take the dresses off and throw them in the corner of the little room and forget about them.

I put on my shorts and t-shirt and caught myself in the mirror again.

My shorts were long.

"This is who I am," I whispered to myself squaring my shoulders.

Because when I was twelve I made a promise to not wear short shorts and these shorts were part of that change. 

I had thrown away one pair of short shorts to make room for these.

I threw away those dresses to make room for my moral well-being.

"This is who I am."

"Add to Your Faith Virtue and to Your Virtue Knowledge"

Miss St. George, Utah USA

I didn't tell you.

I'm Miss St. George, Utah USA.

It's completely out of my comfort zone.

COMPLETELY

My friend and I entered as a joke.

I won't lie.

We didn't actually think we would get in, thousands of girls enter, but we did.

We both got call back interviews.

I went up to Salt Lake City, Utah and they interviewed me and I was accepted as

Miss St. George, Utah USA.

I'm going to try my best to be awesome.

Jeff says to just be me. ;)

He's good at giving advice.

I'm trying to change my life, which is super ironic since when Jeff first left I didn't want ANYthing to change.

Even my favorite color!

Jeff wouldn't care if my favorite color changed!

Anyway. . .

I'm running the St. George Marathon, as most of you know, but this pageant is totally out of my comfort zone.

So I'm going for it. All in!

And Jeff's proud. :)