Time

Less than one month.

I've been counting down by months.

1 month gone

6 months gone

6 months to go

3 months to go

Now I count by days.

Elder Gibson comes home

February 27, 2012

29 days.

I'm in a little bit of denial.

Can it really be

that this is ending,

he's coming home,

I'm going to be seeing him soon.

Really soon. . .

29 days soon. . .

I can't wait to see him.

I can't wait to see how he's changed.

I can't wait to hear the stories.

I can't wait to hear him speak.

"Less than a month" keeps running through my head,

because maybe if I say it to myself enough times

maybe I'll believe it.

He's coming home.

29 days.

The most popular thing I hear is,

"didn't that go by fast?"

No,

it didn't.

It just the way things are.

The time that went the fastest was when I kept myself busy.

At times I overwhelmed myself to keep myself busy.

All those busy things I've done come down to one question

that some of you will be sad that I'm asking,

but I'm asking it.

Am I good enough?

Jeff's been gone for these two years,

he's going to come back the most awesome guy in the world.

He's going to be amazing.

I have to evaluate myself on what I've done

with the time I was given

to prepare myself for when he comes home.

Everything I think of  that I have done

doesn't seem to stand next to his mission.

Anything I could've done

it's too late now.

I am really scared

I won't measure up.

I know it's a sad thing to say,

but I have been thinking about it a lot.

I have a feeling that I won't be calmed

until he comes home

and I know it from him.

29 days. . .

If Only. . .

If only,

if only,

if only. . . 

I've gotten in the habit of saying

if only.

It's something I need to stop.

I think that if only

I had saved more money while he was gone.

If only

I could fix my car sooner

(it's currently in need).

If only

I had thought to do this

or that.

I NEED TO STOP.

Give me some credit!

I'm a girl waiting for a missionary,

who will soon be done,

that alone is a big deal.

If only, if only, if only. . .

Those don't won't do me anything good.

Oh Yeah! He's not. . . Here. . .

Sometimes I have moments where I

sit down on the couch to watch a movie,

or go out grocery shopping,

or start cooking dinner

and I think to myself,

"I wish Jeff were here."

I have to remember that he's not here yet.

When Jeff first left I would get aching reminders.

"I should call Jeff to hang out."

Oh yeah, he's not here. . .

"I should watch this movie with Jeff."

Oh yeah, he's not here. . .

No worries, I'm over that part of it,

but the feeling of wanting him there for certain events

never quite went away.

Birthdays,

holidays,

and just normal,

boring,

time passing

things.

It's almost like I love him.

Oh Kayla. . . Don't ever grow up. . .

I bought an outfit to see Jeff for the first time in.

I was going to post pictures of it,

but this is better.

My mom helped out and bought me boots.

They're super cute and I'm super excited to wear them,

but I'm not the only one.

One of those is my boot and the other is Grandma's slipper.

She came walking up to me while I was making breakfast and I had to take a picture.

Kayla,

please don't ever grow up.

Torture in the sweetest

I do it again and again.

In this point in time it makes me super happy so I can't stop

looking at pictures,

videos

of us.

The only thing I regret is not taking more videos.

His voice,

his laugh,

the way we were together.

I love the ways things have shifted!

I'm more happy than sad.

I used to miss now I look forward.

Watching videos used to be torture.

I did it to remember him in the moments I thought I was forgetting

his voice,

his laugh,

and the way we were together.

I'd cry, because I missed him so much.

NOW

I can look and smile.

I cry because I'm happy.

I love the way things have changed!

Which is ironic, because when he left I wanted to hold on

to

everything

and never change.

Even my favorite color wasn't safe.

NOW

I can understand that change is great

as long as it's a good change.

 I love it, I love it, I love it.

One thing will never change.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

Hmmm. . .

You see,

I would be posting a lot more

but I don't know how to put all the stuff that goes through my head

now-a-days

into a post.

It's hard because Jeff comes home

in a month and a half

and I'm

overly happy

and excited

and scared

and how on earth are you

supposed to know

what I mean.

I'm so happy I catch myself singing

and not caring who's listening.

Life just seems so right

as of now

and all that's missing is Jeff

and he comes home in almost a month.

He'll read this soon. . .

Hello Jeff! :)

I am not a Missionary Girlfriend

I would like to say it,

plain and simple.

I am NOT a missionary girlfriend.

I in fact absolutely hate this term.

I am not Elder Jeff Gibson's girlfriend.

I was,

but I am not.

I will be maybe soon,

but I am still not now.

There will be time to call myself girlfriend,

now is definitely not the time for that.

Elder Gibson is on a mission.

Elder Gibson shouldn't have a girlfriend right now.

Elder Gibson doesn't need a girlfriend right now.

I love him,

I'll love him forever

and ever,

but I will refuse to be called a missionary girlfriend.

To me it's an oxymoron.

I'm sorry I feel so strongly about this,

but I just don't like the term

and people won't stop calling me it.

Stop trying to give me a title.

I. . . Think. . . I'm a. . . Stalker. . .

This might be weird for some of you to read,

especially,

possibly,

Elder Jeff Gibson.

He will be reading this soon.

Anyway. . .

I'm becoming increasingly stalkerish

as the day comes closer.

I can't stop!

I write his name out every time I doodle,

or I do things

just because he likes them.

When someone asks me if I'd rather have blue or green of something

I say green

because that's his favorite color.

Not to mention I am constantly talking about him

and trying to bring him up in random conversation.

It's almost like when he had just left

only without the crying.

Okay, so maybe I've always been a little like this,

but now it's extreme.

Someone please tell me to calm down,

or I'm afraid I'll freak him out

when he comes home

in 50 days.

Resolutions?

This year I am stumped. . .

I could usually think up a pretty good resolution by now.

Problem is that everything will happen

whether I want it to or not,

which I do.

Jeff will come home.

Mike, my best friend, will come home.

I thought about running the marathon again,

but that one just seems too easy.

It was my resolution last year. . . 

Remember?

I was still new to the blogging scene,

new to this blog,

almost a year through Jeff's mission.

He comes home next month.

I guess I could make a resolution to not freak out.

I'm more calm since his last letter

Like always

and forever

Elder Gibson calms me down,

lets me be content,

slows the world down for me,

and he doesn't even have to be

face to face

to do it.

I think I will make a New Year's resolution to be more like that.

I'll try to reach out

without being asked

and try to be more aware of others feelings.

I'll try to make others lives easier,

more joyful,

and I'll try my best to be a positive influence.

Wish me luck. . .